Thursday, November 8, 2007

To the douchebag in the red pickup truck...

I have come to the realization over the years that I am different from other people. One of these differences is the fact that I like to drive quickly. When I am in my car I am generally trying to get from point A to point B, in as little time and with the fewest interruptions possible. It seems that not all people where I live share this vehicular determinism. I may even be guilty of speeding a bit. I am not talking about fast and furious automotive hooliganism here, you know, with fire erupting from my tailpipes and layers of rubber peeling from my tires. No, when conditions allow I generally like to be going somewhere between 5 and 10 miles over the speed limit. Illegal, yes, but not a capital offense.

This means that I pass a lot of cars. Once again, let me be clear. I am not rocketing by these cars in a cloud of nitrous across a double line in a school zone. I am using the passing zones. You know, the areas of the road that have a dotted center line. These lines are not merely an attempt to save money on road paint, they actually indicate that now may be a good time to dispatch the slower moving traffic in front of you. Not everyone likes to take advantage of these passing zones, but I do. I love them. Why? Because this is how I get by slow motherfuckers.

You, mister "red pickup with a trash bag for a rear window" driving asshat, are a slow motherfucker. At no time was I tailgating you, nor were my high beams on behind you. So when I passed you, I cannot think of any justifiable reason why you matched my speed, placed yourself on my rear bumper and followed me for two miles with your brights on. Well, except for the fact that you are a douchebag. Perhaps by passing you I offended your manhood, and you did it to defend said manhood in the presence of the scraggly haired troll who was sitting in the center of that finely crafted vinyl bench seat. Perhaps even the sound of my roaring four cylinder engine scared said scraggly haired troll into choking on said manhood, dragging her tooth. If this is the case, I am truly sorry. Regardless of your reasoning, you sure done showed me. I have so much remorse for hurting your feelings that I sold my car and bought a fucking Segway and a windbreaker, so that I will be less of a danger to people like yourself. Please accept my humble apology, knowing that I will never have the gall to want to drive faster than you ever again. I would also like to apologize to your troll, in the event that her tonsils were damaged.

I hope that next time you sneeze, you shit your pants.



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