Thursday, October 25, 2007

Why am I here...

I bitch a lot. No, really. A lot. I find that bitching, complaining, and ranting can actually be therapeutic. And believe me, I need therapy. But therapy is expensive, and Blogging is free. Besides, some of my coworkers and friends actually find my tirades entertaining, and I don't really have any outlets for my frustration.

Screaming ferociously in my car while I'm following some genetic defective who is perfectly happy to meander along at 10 MPH below the speed limit is great and all, but nobody sees or hears it. Well, except for that woman with her small children in the church parking lot, but I digress. Perhaps if I jot down my frustrations on this virtual soapbox, I will stumble upon the path to wisdom and enlightenment. I mean, I pretty much fucking doubt it, but it could happen. Weirder shit has happened.

Oh, and let me apologize in advance for the language. Swearing is a fantastic way to over-emphasize exactly how much something sucks. Take the following example for instance. I could say that "I find Mary to be generally disagreeable as a person". This would indicate perfectly that, well, I find Mary disagreeable. But if I were to say that "Mary is a fucking cunt and I hope she gets hit by dump truck full of shit and burns for eternity in hell!", then you get a much clearer picture of my feelings for the bitch. Yes, some people find colorful language offensive. Try imagining that I have an upper class English accent, that might help. Or just bugger off.

What sort of things will I write about here? I guess that remains to be seen. I work in the technology industry and deal frequently with people, so that is ripe for material. It seems every day I am surprised by how truly ignorant people can be when it comes to computers. I suppose this makes me sound either like an elitist prick, or a partner in misery, depending on your profession. Try explaining how a Blackberry works to someone who insists until they are blue in the face that they don't have an email password, and they never had one, and you will know where I'm coming from.

I suppose there may also be several entries about driving. I'm not sure what country is known for the most inconsiderate drivers, but the United States has to be up there on the list. I firmly believe that every man is born with the divine knowledge that he possesses the skill, if not the means, to be a championship racing driver, and can do no wrong on the motorway. This notion is of course horseshit, but I see it everyday, and I'm honest enough to admit that I am similarly afflicted. Oh yes, there will probably be copious amounts of written road rage on these pages.

Then of course there will probably be many observations about dating, women and the like. I feel that I would be doing the world a great injustice If I didn't talk ad nauseam about my frustration over my neighbor's absolutely perfect, ample breasts. Or more accurately, my frustration over the fact that I will likely never get to squeeze them like bicycle horns. No, seriously, they are like two enormous glistening scoops of vanilla ice cream, and there isn't a spoon in sight. Bollocks!

Hmmm, looks like I won't be censoring myself either.